


When in Times of Doubt Have You Ever Tried to Work it Out?

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: The Story of Us [5]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-02
Updated: 2013-09-02
Packaged: 2017-12-25 09:19:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/951382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I want you and our family.  I made a mistake but I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	When in Times of Doubt Have You Ever Tried to Work it Out?

**Author's Note:**

> This story follows We Carry on Our Backs the Burden Time Always Reveals and pretty much closes up this trilogy. It’s been a real experience for me to take a walk with this couple that came to me out of nowhere. I guess they had a story to tell. I hope I did it justice. The title comes from the Peter Cetera song, Have You Ever Been in Love.

** OCTOBER 1995 **

Erin couldn’t sleep. The rain held off most of the day, which was good, but now it was pouring. So she lay in the big bed, alone, and listened to it fall. It had been a long day and she was sure at the end of it she would fall into bed and hopefully sweet dreams. So far that hadn’t happened. 

They had been in Providence, Rhode Island since late Friday morning and would be leaving sometime the next evening. Mark was on the campaign trail; his family had to be a part of that. It didn’t matter if his family was falling apart at the seams. The public didn’t know that, and they wanted to eat the Cramers up. They were young, attractive, ambitious, and ready for the cameras. 

Mark was only going to bring the girls with him this weekend, as he did once a month when he came to Rhode Island for work. Erin almost let them go but knew in the end that she had to. No one was asking questions about the Cramer marriage. Most believed it was as strong as it always had been. When Mark and Erin announced to the world that she was pregnant with their fourth child, it became a given that she wouldn’t always be seen at campaign stops and events. 

Despite the fact that her husband had been sleeping in the den since the night she came home from the hospital in July, Erin did her duty as a political wife. She cut ribbons and smiled for cameras. She occasionally let some asswipe follow her as she took Nora to school. She put on pretty dresses, danced to orchestral music, and held glasses of champagne that she never drank as she toasted to things she didn’t care about. Erin wasn’t surprised that she and Mark were handling separation so well. 

They weren’t physically separated, remaining in the home together. But she made it clear that she needed space. She told him that she didn’t know if their marriage was going to make it through this time. She said she would stay through the election. There was no way she would cut him off at the knees like that after all he worked for. She would never deny him access to his children, including the one growing inside her right now. 

Erin’s fourth pregnancy was no picnic. The doctors didn’t label it high risk, even though she was 35 years old. After the fetus survived her accidental overdose, that’s what they were all calling it, doctors monitored her until she successfully completed her first trimester. Sadly from experience, Erin knew that didn’t mean she out of danger. Her morning sickness lasted into the fifth month. 

Her muscles ached and she ate like a hippo on a rampage. Her hormones were out of control, she cried a lot, snapped a lot, and had a voracious sexual appetite. Mark did everything he could to help while also maintaining his distance. When he knocked to come into the bedroom on Tuesday evening, Erin invited him in. When he asked to sit down, she nodded toward the chair. It was the same chair she crumbled into the night her whole marriage changed.

“ _I know you get tired of my asking but how are you feeling today?” he asked._

_“I'm fine.”_

_“Are you sure?”_

_“I'm sure.” Erin nodded._

_“Well um, the Providence County Fair is this weekend and I'm going to make an appearance. I thought I’d take the girls to Rhode Island with me this weekend so they can come as well. I wouldn’t have any fun there on my own but I know they’ll love it.”_

_“I’d pay to see you wrangling two little girls at a fair.” Erin almost smiled when she said it._

_She didn’t smile much anymore. She was working on getting better. She was off the Valium and the Prozac, for the baby’s sake. Two days a week Erin was at her therapist’s office and she was actually talking._

_Work was more productive; she finally found a good balance between what she wanted to do and what was actually happening in the Bureau. At the beginning of the year Erin would be promoted to Unit Chief of BAU 2, Crimes against Adults. This was her chance to get into more field work like she’d done in the beginning of her career when she worked white collar cases up and down the East Coast. A decade of work was culminating in a career move of a lifetime._

_“If you're feeling up to it maybe you can come along.” Mark said. “You’ve been working a lot lately.”_

_“I don’t think so.” She shook her head. “I plan to rest this weekend. I don’t need to be stalked by photographers and asked questions I don’t want to answer.”_

_“I understand.”_

_“Sometimes I wish you weren’t so understanding.”_

_“I love you…I don’t know what else to be.”_

_“I need to get some rest.” Erin turned away from him, getting up from the bed and pulling back the blankets._

_“Of course.” He stood. “If you need anything, I’ll be downstairs.”_

_“Did you kiss the girls goodnight?” she asked._

_“Twice for good measure.” Mark smiled. “It’s been a while since I’ve kissed their mother goodnight.”_

_“Goodnight, Mark.”_

_“Goodnight schatzi.”_

_He sighed and left the room. Erin stood in the same spot for a few minutes. She wanted to run after him, feel his arms around her, and never let go. There were feelings in the pit of her stomach that Erin still grappled with every day._

_She loved him, she hated him; she wanted to hit him in the back of the head with a shovel. Mark hurt her like no one ever had before. She wanted to hurt him too but knew that would just hurt her more. Erin didn’t think she could take anymore pain._

_Late on Thursday evening she found him in the kitchen loading the dishwasher. Erin walked around him, going to fill the kettle with water and putting it on the stove._

_“I think I’ll come to Providence this weekend.” She said. “I want to spend quality time with the girls too.”_

_“The condo can be small.” Mark said. “Do you want me to get a hotel room?”_

_“Mark, it’s your condo.”_

_“It’s our condo.”_

_“I’ll just sleep with the girls, OK.”_

_“I’ll sleep on the pull out in the den. You're pregnant; you don’t need to be squeezed into a twin bed. I know your back has been bothering you. Nora asked me how my back was feeling tonight.”_

_“I told her that’s why you don’t sleep with me right now. It’s bad for your back. I didn’t know what else to say. She asked me if we were getting a divorce.”_

_“How would she even know about something like that?” Mark felt physical pain when he heard the word. He didn’t want his children to be scared or upset. He didn’t want to lose his wife._

_“She told me that she saw it on TV. Mommies and Daddies stop living together when they get divorced. I never thought that would be covered on Sesame Street. I told her that we still lived together.”_

_Nora also asked her mother if she still loved her father. Erin didn’t hesitate when she said yes. But love wasn’t all it took to make a marriage work. The last thing she would ever do is burden her six year old with adult problems. But they weren’t going to be able to keep up the ruse forever._

_“Can I ask you a favor?” Mark asked._

_“Sure.”_

_“Can I,” he cleared his throat. “I just want to feel the baby, Erin. I've never felt the baby.”_

_“Oh um…” Erin didn’t realize that. She and her husband had only touched inadvertently since the night he told her about Austria. She was five months pregnant and though he’d gone to several doctor’s appointments, saw the baby, he had never touched his child. “Yeah.”_

_“Are you sure?”_

_Erin nodded. She backed up just a bit as Mark walked closer to her. His hand was tentative when he put it on her belly. Her tee shirt was a bit tight, she was beginning to get round. Mark took a deep breath and flattened his hand._

_She closed her eyes as she leaned into his touch. He smelled so good, it had been so long since she smelled him. How could it have been so long since they touched? Instinctually, Erin placed her hand over his. She began to move it over._

_“Here, this is where I've felt some butterflies lately.”_

_“She's moving already?” Mark looked at her._

_“I think so.”_

_They didn’t know if it was a boy or girl. Mark called the baby she because he didn’t want to think about another son right now. He would be happy with whatever the gender of the baby, as long as it was healthy. They still didn’t know what, if any, effects that Erin’s overdose and drinking might have._

_Right now doctors were telling them that the baby had a strong heartbeat and brain waves. So far everything seemed normal for the gestational period. Of course they'd said the same thing about Gray. And then one day he died._

_“I felt that! Oh my God,” he grinned from ear to ear. “Was that her? Am I just imagining?”_

_“I think that was her.” Erin stroked his hand, which rested under hers._

_The kettle whistled and startled them both. Erin moved away from her husband, turning off the fire. Then she grabbed two mugs from the cabinet._

_“Do you want a cup of tea?” she asked._

_“No, thank you. I need to get some sleep. Thank you for letting me…”_

_“She’s your child too, Mark.” She put one mug back. “You deserve those moments of bliss.”_

_“Sometimes I feel as if we’re never going to be blissful again. Are we really going to just go through the motions until the election is over?”_

_“It’s been a long day and I'm tired. Maybe we can talk while we’re away.”_

_“You haven’t had a conversation with me in three months. I miss you so much that I can hardly breathe.” Mark put his hand on his chest. “I’ll leave you alone now.”_

_He turned and walked out of the room. Erin busied herself making tea. There was too much on her mind, it was better to just have her tea and go to bed. They would be together this weekend. They would be together in a small space. It was time to talk_. 

Erin slipped out of bed and went next door to check on the girls. Nora and Mary Katherine were sound asleep. They had a blast today with their mother and father. It had been a while since they'd done anything as a family. The girls even endured the press taking pictures and interrupting their time because they got to be with both Mark and Erin. 

He was in full Dad mode with piggyback rides and swinging them around as they squee’d with glee. They went on every ride that their short stature permitted, from the merry go round to the teacups. There was funnel cake, popcorn, corndogs, and pizza. Mark bought Mary Katherine a pair of floppy rainbow colored antennae that she’d worn all day and was now sleeping in. 

Erin went into the room, giving them extra kisses for good measure. Then she made her way to the den. Mark was asleep too. The blankets were down to his waist and he wasn’t wearing a shirt. 

_The Thomas Berryman Number_ rested beside him. Mark had read the book a million times and the tattered edges showed its use. Erin gently sat down on the pull out bed, putting her hand on his bare chest. He opened his eyes.

“Erin? Are you alright?” he started to sit up. “Schatzi, is the baby alright?”

“I can't sleep.” She said.

“Do you feel ill? Do you want to go to the ER?”

“It’s not the baby. I just can't sleep and I've been trying for a few hours. Would it be alright if…?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course.” Mark pulled the covers back and Erin climbed in without question. There was an awkward moment when he had no idea what to do. He looked at his wife, resting on her side and looking so vulnerable. Mark laid down beside her, reaching out to stroke her arm. “You had a long day. I'm sure the rain isn’t helping.”

Erin nodded and closed her eyes. She needed to speak. She needed to just say it and get it over with. Mark surely wasn’t going to. They both tried so many times between couldn’t find the words. Just because it wasn’t easy didn’t mean it couldn’t be done. Erin put her hand on top of his on the mattress.

“I know that this relationship is never going to be the same again.” She said.

“No, I'm afraid it’s not.”

“That’s not just your fault, Mark. You have to take responsibility for what you did but I have to take responsibility too.”

“I let it happen, Erin. I walked into that hotel room knowing full well that it was the ultimate betrayal. You didn’t do a thing.”

“Neither one of us gets to be a martyr in this. So, we’re never going to be the same again. That doesn’t mean that we can't be better.”

“All I want is you.” Mark said. He took her face in his hands. “I want you and our family. I made a mistake but I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”

“I don’t want that.” Erin shook her head. “I just want you to spend the rest of your life loving me.”

“Done.” He said. “I swear.”

“It was one woman; it was one time?”

He knew that she was asking a question, and Mark told her the truth. It was just that one time; one moment of indiscretion. In his line of work, temptation was as plentiful as debates and laws. Women had come on to him but Mark kept his hands off. He was still attracted to his wife in every meaningful way. 

He loved her mind, her soul, her tenacity, and her body. Their intimate life had been normal, happy, before the death of their son. He understood why things had changed in the bedroom. It was everywhere else that hurt and confused Mark. He let that hurt and confusion lead him astray.

“We’ll put it in the vault.” She said.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea, schatzi?” Mark asked.

“Right now it’s the only one I have.”

“But you can't change your mind after. If it goes in the vault then it has to stay there.”

“I know.” Erin caressed his face.

“I want this, I want you back so desperately. But I want you to be sure.”

Erin was sure, kissing her husband for the first time in months. The truth was that there was nothing to say. Mark had been unfaithful. It had been a moment of weakness but it happened. Erin had a few choices to make. 

She could hold it against him for the rest of her life. She could forgive him but never forget. She could walk away from what they'd built over the last decade. She had to do something. This purgatory that they lived in, that their family lived in, was unhealthy. 

Erin had to move on. She was well aware that whatever decision she made would have to be stuck to. Losing her husband wasn’t an option. Erin loved Mark. She wanted and needed him in her life. 

It didn’t make what he did OK. But it was something they could move past. She opened the vault and put the third box of their relationship inside. Once the door was closed it could never be opened again. Taking a deep breath, Erin slammed it shut.

“I love you, Erin.” Mark pulled her close and kissed her passionately. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” She mumbled between kisses. “We can't mess this up.”

“We won't.” he shook his head. “I promise. I'm so sorry that I ever brought this pain into our lives. We have enough to deal with.”

“Tomorrow morning we’re going to be the Cramers again. The door is shut; it’s sealed.”

“I'm going to ask you one more time if you're sure.”

“I am sure.” She said. “There's a part of me that wants to overanalyze it, hurt, question, scream…I can't anymore. You hurt me, I've hurt you, and I want to move on. This marriage and this family is very important to me. 

“Not because I don’t want to fail or be seen as a failure. I want my husband, I want my children; I want my happiness. Life can be torn apart at the seams on fate’s whim. How am I supposed to get through that without you? I refuse to.”

Mark nodded and held her body to his. Erin shivered; he stroked her back to comfort her. This was all he'd wanted since the rainy summer day that his wife kicked him out of her hospital room. The past three months hadn’t been easy for any of them. Mark was running for the U.S. Senate. 

The governor of Rhode Island appointed him to the seat after the Senior Senator had a near fatal stroke late in 1994. The Senator was planning to step down anyway; had endorsed Mark to be his heir apparent. While his son, with his own political ambitions, was not pleased about it there was no way around it. Mark wasn’t going to face any opposition in the primary. That didn’t mean there wouldn’t be a fight in November. 

He lived in a blue state and moderate or not, Mark was red. Erin had supported him every step of the way. She was subjected to press insanity in DC, Rhode Island, and New York where her parents and family lived. She endured people trying to take pictures of her daughters. She dealt with being the Senator’s wife while all of her accomplishments were diminished in his light. 

Having to break her heart, to confess to his indiscretion, hurt Mark more than anything ever had. Erin always had his back. She took care of him and made his life better. As he held her in his arms for the first time in too long, Mark swore to himself and to God that he would do the same. 

He would never take her for granted again. He would be a good husband and a better friend. It wasn’t that he hadn’t been before. But this was his second chance. No way was his going to mess this up. Their relationship wasn’t a means to an end. It was endgame. It always had been.

“What do you think about staying tomorrow?” Mark asked. “We could have the day just for us and the girls. There will be no press…we’ll stay in. I know you don’t like the idea of Nora missing school on Monday but I’d love to just have a family day.”

“I think one day of school won't be too bad.” Erin looked up, smiling when Mark kissed her. “You should probably get some sleep, Senator.”

“Why?”

“Well I already know your daughters are going to wear you out tomorrow. It’s not often they get you for a whole weekend. And you're already going to be pretty wiped out because early in the morning, before the girls wake up, I'm going to want to have sex with you at least twice.”

“Hormones?” Mark raised his eyebrow.

“Yes.”

“You're using me?”

“Yes.”

“You love my body?”

“I love you, Mark Cramer. Now go to sleep.”

He kissed her once more before he relaxed on the pull out couch. It would probably be smarter to go to the master bedroom. It would be better for his back and Erin’s. He didn’t want to move. Feeling her close to him, relaxed and holding on, Mark wasn’t going anywhere. Now he knew that Erin wasn’t either.

***


End file.
